“Normal Is…” by Judy Evans

Once upon a time – I believe it was back in the 20th Century – my household was the classic ‘nuclear’ family: mom, dad, toddler son, infant daughter, and even a dog thrown in for good measure. Autism first stepped into the spotlight almost ten years ago, and it is difficult to remember a time when its presence was not as much a part of our house at the four walls. For several years – five, to be exact – our family worked diligently on achieving that delicate balance of meeting the all-consuming needs of our son with autism (later, Asperger’s) while being mindful of making sure our daughter’s ‘neuro-typical’ lifestyle remained intact. Somewhere along the way, though, we began to notice glitches in our daughter’s development that did not feel quite right. However, with seemingly on-target language development, the possibility of an autism spectrum disorder did not rear its head with our second child until she reached school age. Several misdiagnosis later (OCD, tic disorder, and early-onset bipolar, to name a few) the picture finally came into focus. Asperger’s Syndrome explained my daughter, just as it had her brother before her.

Somewhere along the way, our home ceased to function like anything resembling a typical all-American household. Work schedules revolved around therapy sessions, IEP meetings, med checks, and those unscheduled visits to the principal’s office. Like other families living with Asperger’s, we found ways to redefine what it typical. So what follows are just a few of the many ways which we have manage to structure our home where the Aspies outnumber the neurotypicals and we have found that Normal is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Normal is…Think Before You Speak (and then be ready to clarify anyway). For many years, prior to my daughter’s diagnosis, silliness and sarcasm was the order of the day. We even ran a drill or two in my son’s ABA program targeting figures of speech. It took many meltdowns and outbursts before all of us finally came to understand how much of what came out of our mouths was being misunderstood. Now each of us knows we had better mean what we say and say what we mean, and yes, be able to remind one another when we are “just being silly.”

Normal is…Variety is the Spice of Life - NOT! Change is a part of all of our worlds, be they neuro-typical or autism spectrum. But change in a predominantly AS household can very easily become a four-letter word, and to avoid potentially disastrous results it must be carefully planned and executed. On the plus side, we tend not to worry about how this lack overall spontaneity could be detrimental to our children because we are teaching them how to be more flexible and spontaneous with each turn. We have learned though, that as a rule, vacations are better the second time around, and there are many situations where it’s nice to know that if worse comes to worse, a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich can work for pretty much any meal.

Normal is…The Great Indoors. Yes, my children are pleased when winter gives way to spring (this in spite of the debates we’ve gotten into over the whole concept of Daylight Savings Time). Clothing issues are always easier in warmer weather. After all, socks don’t necessarily go with sandals anyway, so if none of them ‘feel right’ on any given morning, who cares! There does seem to be a common theme though, among many of our children, that the grass is always greener on their own sofa. I am not even as convinced as I once was that this is tied into another common theme – love of ‘screen time,’ due to the fact that as my children get older, I am just as apt to find them curled up with a magazine or a good book as their Nintendo DS’s. (Disclaimer – I am also the one in my family who went to Hilton Head, SC in the early days following my son’s diagnosis to have some ‘me’ time and catch my breath with my in-laws…and spent the better part of five days curled up on the sofa with several good books, so whether I’m in a position to comment one way or another on this topic is debatable). On the bright side, the overall lack of desire to spend extended time outside the comfort of four walls makes those ‘rainy day blues’ less problematic – and think of all we save on sunscreen!

Normal is…A Trampoline in the Living Room. I would imagine that if we had typically-developing children living in this house as well, we would find ourselves doing a lot more explaining to the uninformed about the necessity of sensory-based activities. As it is, though, the adults that come into our home generally have a decent working knowledge of why the mini-trampoline is as vital as the kitchen sink, and play-doh is regarded as an invention on-par with sliced bread (as long as it stays off the carpet, I’m good). My children are still young enough that their friends who visit not only do not question the love of squishy pillows we have going on here, they are happy to share in the fun. Important point: 99% of the children that walk through our front door have an ASD diagnosis as well.

Finally, and most important (in my humble opinion) –

Normal is…Appreciating the Little Stuff. Perhaps it is a cliché, but again, IMHO, parents of children who are not typically-developing have a much greater appreciation of how important that ‘little stuff’ is. Normal around here is when we get REALLY excited when one or both children try a new food for the first time. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t, but hey, they tried! Normal is being able to reflect on the miracle of having conversations with the child we feared might never speak, even if most conversations these days revolve around Neopets. Normal is tears of joy daring to spill over when the child who never once smiled in a school picture comes home with the class photo from her new AS support placement – and she’s grinning in the front row from ear-to-ear. On days like that, our new-and-improved 21st century version of Normal suits me just fine.